The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume 1: Getting together & Copulating
by fire-ball-kyo-DLM
Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor. OC
1. Chapter 1

**The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)**

Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.

But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.

* * *

Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human

 **Chapter 1**

Have you ever had an incomprehensible attraction to a certain type of person? Maybe you fawn over blonds, or men over five foot six make your knees wobbly. For me, it's vampires. Just knowing that someone is a little fine pointed and favors a neck bite over a brownie bite reduces me to a blubbering mass of heat.

Why vampires? Well, let's be real here; they are all—each and every one—extremely sexy. Modern books and movies get the idea right. Vampire have perfect complexions; they down get dark circles under their eyes; they don't have to deal with dandruff or sores; vampires never get wrinkled, pimpled, or saggy—they were forever perky. Not to mention that fact that vampires take creating other vamps seriously. Who would you pick to turn into an undead hottie your average looking run-of-the-mill human—or the drop dead gorgeous?

Unfortunately, by the time I reached my twenty-first birthday I had yet to meet a single, dateable male vampire. By this point I'm seriously considering trekking the lesbian highway, I get enough looks thrown my way. Since I'm still in school the unmarried male vampires I meet are practically none existent, having class during the day and going to an all-girl school sort of cut my chances in half and my job doesn't help either. Since I work part-time at a bridal shop the unmarried male vampires that I have met have are meeting up with their personal ball-an-chains. Since vampires marry often enough to make it a little less special each time and the wedding are really only for their human lovers and their families.

I was mourning my bad fortune while working one evening when Hermes—a married vampire, associate, and mailman—stopped in to deliver the evening's mail. I heard the ringing of bells from above the bridal shop door just as I finished hanging up the wedding dress from hell a fuchsia pink nightmare that had just been tried on this morning.

I put on my Hello, yes—I am Alisia, your nerdy bridal shop employee smile-grimace only to come face to face with Hermes carrying his mail bag and staring attentively as he separated out the mail that was for us and that was for our neighbor, Pizza Hut.

"Hey, Hermes. How's it going tonight?" Hermes and I had an almost matching conversation every evening. I loved talking to Hermes; he was about 5'7" with blue eyes and black curly hair. In life, he had been a traveler of sorts who occasionally would indulge in one of his most cherished hobbies—theft—but he never seemed to lose his sense of humor or his laid back personality.

"Alright, Alisia. How's life with the bridezillas?" I knew Hermes didn't actually care about how business was. He also didn't care about weddings in general, his own wedding had turned him off to any of the details this job entailed. Hermes had been married for thirty years to his wife, May. She was his sixty-sixth bride, showing that even vampires can be of the marrying kind.

"Same old same old. Unfortunately I'm here working today of all days. Happy Birthday to me?"

"Congratulations on your special day! I didn't get you too much, except this cheese cake from the Cheese Cake Man. Oh, but hey—I've got you something fun to do tomorrow night as well. We'll call it an extra special birthday gift from me."

"Cake…gimme." My mouth was practically watering he'd gotten me a cheese cake form The Cheese Cake Man, I was practically in heaven. Grinning at my expression Hermes handed me the 12' by 12' box—I nearly cried when I opened it. This was the largest size the owner would sell when it came to his wears.

"Have I ever told you that I love you Hermes?" I moaned appreciate as I took a bite with the fork he handed me. "So what's so special about tomorrow night?"

"I guess you wouldn't have heard, would you? Minos is back in town. He's an old acquaintance of mine, going back for about seven centuries. His friends are throwing him a big bash over at his new place on Gregg Park. I can't attend me and wife are going to have some 'us' time. So…why don't you go in my place?"

Minos Kirwin King was on the vampires most eligible bachelors list as one of the most richest, good looking vampires ever to make South Carolina their home. He was famous, sexy (not that I actually know what he looks like), and super successful. Naturally, I was stoked and about to have a fangirl moment all up in here just form the excitement. "Hermes that would be fantastic!"

The time I spent on my part-time job at the shop had afforded me the knowledge of exactly how to meet single vampires. Through my many grueling conversations with successful bridezillas-to-be I had it on good author that parties were the best way to meet hot vampire bachelors. Unfortunately, I'm not really fashionable enough to know about these kinds of events—because let's face it this is the first year of my life when I can legally drink. That and vampires live extremely long lives while consecutively gathering a great deal of capital, and the wealthy and beautiful are a bit out of my league.

This meant that I was Charlie and Hermes was the chocolate bar that was giving me my very own ticket to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. My eyes were starting to glaze over at the very thought of it. I imagined myself as a curvier, skinnier version of Ariana Grande moving through I stream of vampire testosterone trying to jump anyone that fit my fancy.

During my sugar induced haze, Hermes rooted around in his bag for a while and finally pulled out a cream colored envelope with a torn flap. He handed it to me and I took it in my hand like it was god's gift to womankind.

"Hermes if you weren't married—and I didn't love your wife's cookies—I would kiss you right now." I breathed the words as if speaking them out loud would end some wonderful dream.

Hermes chuckled "Alisia, you know that's just the envelope, right? You haven't actually taken the invitation out yet."

I squealed with joy and slowly ran my finger into the envelope and felt the hard edges of the invitation card. I eased it out, wanting the excitement to last as long as possible.

Eventually I had the whole card removed and I closed my eyes to steady my rabidly beating heart before taking a peek. I looked down and found a simple card in ivory with gold script text announcing the party of Minos Kirwin King. Tomorrow night, 8 PM. I shivered with glee.

I don't really know how long I stood there slowly tugging the card out of the envelope, devouring it with my eyes, and then slowly easing it back into the folded paper container, but when I glanced up Hermes was holding back laughter.

"You're so adorable when you're excited. So, I, uh, guess I gave the invite to the right person. When you attend tomorrow you tell Minos that I send my regards."

Now he had done it. Hermes had charged me with a task that meant I couldn't spend my night standing against the wall like the miniature wallflower I am. Instead, I simply had to talk to Mr. Rich, Single, and totally out of my league.

But first, I had to search the wasteland that was my closet.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)**

Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.

But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.

Note from the author: So hello everybody this is the second chapter of my first post on archive of our own. So on to the story!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.

* * *

Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human

 **Chapter 2**

"Why in the world are you calling me to ask what to wear to a vampire party? I'm engaged. To a hot guy. With a hot body, and equally hot friends. The last time I went clubbing was to get some questionable items to tie up my…err, to comfort my depressed boyfriend so that I could exhaust him physically…err…Never mind. What do I know of vampire party attire?"

When faced with indecision about what to wear to what could shape up to be the most important party I'd ever go to, naturally I'd called my best friend, Sapphire. In high school, Sapphire had been a real social butterfly. Of course, she wasn't anymore, but since I'm spending most of my remaining school years knee deep in work and trying to support my upcoming summer plans. I don't really party like other college students my age so I thought she might have a better idea of what to wear that I would.

I was sitting on the carpet in my bedroom area of my four-bedroom house that I'd inherited from my grandfather shortly after my graduation from high school. I was sitting crisscross in nothing my underwear and a camisole. I had serval dresses lying out on my bed but hadn't made a real decision past the matching set of black undies, which were already on my person. There were two dresses that I had pretty much narrowed it down to, one of which I had never worn. "Sapphire, I just need some feedback 'please? Short and see-through, or long and silky?"

"I'm still confused over this situation. Tell me again why your Hermes gave you an invitation to a vampire party." Sapphire was always suspicious of anything that nice people did for me. You give one guy a ride to the nearest pit stop and suddenly your friends have to monitor your every movement. I could just picture Sapphire sitting in her bubble bath, her concerned and frustrated face surrounded by silken strands of shiny blond hair. Sapphire was one of those medium sized women that was effortlessly badass and stylish that I'd normally think wasn't friend material at first sight. But because I'd known her since we were gawky teens, I'd gotten exposed to her brand of sarcasm long enough to know when she thought I was doing something stupid.

"He has plans already, Sapphire. Plus, Hermes was once rich. He's already been to all these boss vampire parties. He doesn't need to go to another one." Hermes had been a rich vampire—still was, not that other people know—until all of his investments went belly up in 2005. At the time Hermes rivals thought he had everything in stock and was left with nothing, when actually he still had a good bit of loot left from his earlier years at theft. Most vampires take an extremely long-term view when investing and leave all their assets in fixed-rate products. After all, a two percent interest rate may not amount to much after twenty or thirty years, but after one hundred to two hundred points tend to rack up. But Hermes seemed to like high stakes and screwing with people so looking at his so called investments were like gazing at Tsundae from Naruto gambling shit from left to right.

"He has to work—delivering the mail—at eight PM. I will never understand why the Americans with Disabilities Act pushed for these evening work laws," Sapphire snorted, ten quoted the law with a tone of resentment. "All employers must offer substantial shifts for evening workers.' Who needs their mail delivered at eight PM" Sapphire was very resistant to change. Also, she sometimes had to work the midnight to 5 AM shift at the financing company her family ran and she resented it. Actually, most people resented the ADA's inference because most vampires didn't work so it was us who ended up working all of these crazy shifts.

Personally, I thought the new law was great. You could go to any store or restaurant at any time of night. Shawarma could be delivered in the wee hours and banks had to be open 24/7.

"Sapphire, can we please get back on track? I've got to finish up. Now I'll ask again, short and see-through, or long and silky?"

"The one from Dots?"

"Yeah the one from Dots."

"How much cleavage on each of these dresses, Alisia?"

Now, that was an embarrassing question. "Not a lot of cleavage, Sapphire. I'm not one of those girls that works on two-notch. I just want to be, you know totally rip-my-dress-off-and-have-your-way-with-me honey."

"Okay, go for short and see-through the one you got from Dots that you never wear. If you wear the long and silky number you'll probably be over dressed. So short and see-through with your hair down and that red leather jacket I got you for Christmas should work. "

"Right, I knew you were the woman for the job. This is so flicking awesome!"

"Alisia, I have you on speakerphone so don't start murmuring."

Shit. Sapphire had been asking me for years, ever since she had started dating Madison, to stop running off at the mouth and tone down on all of the creepy murmuring. Crap, hopefully Madison wasn't around.

"Sapphire, you have to tell me when you have me on speakerphone. Hi, Madison!" The quite hello murmured from the other side of phone was partially blocked out by a snort.

"So have a fun night tonight and for my sake, please be careful."

"I will, Hun. Give you all the details tomorrow!"

"You'd better!"

After I hung up the phone I jump up and made my way to the bed and held up short and see-through. The dress was cool. I'd never had the balls to wear it though, but it was one of those dresses that you see and you simply have to buy, even if it does nothing but sit in your closet unworn.

It had spaghetti straps and was made out of some sort of stretchy material. It fit well, but didn't look bad. From the top of chest area downward the outfit was bloody-red while the part covering the collar bones was covered in black see-through material. The dress was short but then so am I. At five feet six inches even the shortest dresses end up looking like they had a good bit of length on them. Short and see-through came to rest about two or three inches above my knees, just short enough not to make me look like a hooker.

Although I live in South Carolina I absolutely hate the heat and usually anything that has me walking outside. The bloody-red material on the dress had undertones of a darker black that stood out against my lightly brown skin and caramel brown eyes. I was showing just enough skin to be noticed but I did set aside a moment to make sure everything was in the correct place. I didn't need a repeat of the prom night disaster, were the back of my dress was hiked up just enough for people to tell what color undies I had on. If that happened again there was no way in hell I would be attracting vampires.

I slipped on a pair of short cherry red pumps a few bangles and the necklace my grandmother gave me before carefully taking the hanger my jacket on it out of the closet. I may have spent a moment or two staring at the jacket before I finally put it on but who wouldn't the thing was a work of art.

As Sapphire advised I left my now straight dark chocolate brown hair down. It just barely reached the middle of my shoulder blades so it covered the back and sides of my neck and helped me look…well…you know—less like a rebellious teen. I'm not an unattractive woman, but I'm not a geek goddess either. If there was one thing truly remarkable about me (other than my supposed cuteness and quirky personality) it was my hair. The shine it took on when light hit it gave my hair a molten gold highlights that seemed to have everyone staring in appreciation.

I added a simple pair of ruby earrings and a small purse and I was out the door to hopefully come home with a date. No, wait, to come home with a phone number and the promise of a date. That sounds a lot less trashy.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)**

Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.

But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.

* * *

Note from the author: On to the party!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.

* * *

Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human

 **Chapter 3**

I walked up the highly polished steps outside the fashionable Alcott Estates studio flats building with my heart hammering in my chest and my lungs inhaling more oxygen than necessary. Its times like these I'm glad there's an inhaler stashed in my purse or else things would get pretty ugly real quick. Pausing for just a moment I took in one big gulp of air and steeled myself for what may or may not be a nerve racking deathtrap. 

Once inside the door I showed my invitation to the guard at the security desk. He gave it intense scrutiny, and then indicated that I should go up the curved granite staircase to my left and told me what flat number to look for. As I climbed the stairs the muffled noise of jazz music became louder and clearer. I say jazz because it was just the instruments, no vocals, and a really loud saxophone.

Eventually I reached the door of flat #P3. I lifted my hand to knock when the door suddenly opened and a woman no more than five years older than me with short red hair wearing a basic black tube stepped out. Her head was turned away from me as she talked to the man following her. I stepped to the side and out of her way as much as possible but she still stumbled into me. She twisted her head around with an ugly sneer painted on her surprising beautiful face as I was thrown to the ground with a soft thump. Rubbing my back as a small ache went through it I glanced up in time to see the evil eye she was giving me disappear into a slightly guilty smile.

If you read facial expressions as good as I do most of the time you would know that her smile most likely meant that I was pulling a face. Unfortunately it happens without my consent a lot, Sapphire tells me that I look like a kicked puppy and apparently this makes people feel guilty about whatever they've done to put the look on my face.

"I'm sorry about that sweetheart, here let me help you up." The woman extends her pale manicured hand toward me and easily pulls me up to my feet. Now with both of our hands still intertwined she gazed at me in mild curiosity before releasing my hand and walking away with her companion. I stare after them for a while before shaking my head and pushing myself through the door that she had just left slightly ajar.

Whatever I was expecting to see at a vampire party was forced out of my head as I walked in the attractive flat. Damn you twilight, it seems I really should have read the blue bloods series. At least I was dresses perfectly, even a little better than some of the other women here. The men were dressed nicely but not too nicely. Many wore jeans with button-down shirt and vests and a few more wore suits, sans the ties and coats. It was warm, somewhat inviting, and just sort of flowed.

I walked into what I assumed was the living room, which was right off the tiny foyer. The furniture was what you'd expect to see in any living room but it was brightly colored minimalistic in style. The art on the wall looked like it came right out of the museum of modern art, it was rich vibrant and tasteful.

Waiters, dressed in black pants with white shirts, circled with plates of champagne. Since I'd never really been to many parties I was a bit surprised with circulation waiters it gave me a little thrill in my stomach when one approached me. But then I realized that I didn't really have much practice with alcohol and didn't want to be completely trashed before I got a chance to make a first impression on the very-single-vampire-Kirwin-King, so I just shook my head at the advancing waiter.

I didn't know anyone at the party, which sort of made me uncomfortable which also made it really hard to socialize. I don't know why I hadn't thought about that before I actually got here, but whop there it is. I just walked in, fell in love with the lighting, and then had a mini freaked out internally as I realized I didn't know how to approach a stranger and just start a conversation.

At least it was easy to pick out the vampires in the crowd because of how noticeably paler they were compared to the tanned humans and freakishly attractive. Here this far down south, it was a pretty safe assumption to say that the pale people you meet are vampires, unless their tourists or college students. I'm a nice light brown but have a few pale friends so I guess you can't be totally sure, but since tan is "in" with thin, I suppose pale humans are a sort of rarity.

I didn't want to start a conversation with a vampire at the moment; should probably practice on a human first. I took a deep breath and decide to fall back on my retail roots and star a conversation about clothes or accessories with the first person I found standing on their lonesome.

"Nice cufflinks," I said to that tall, dark, and handsome loner leaning his elbows on the bar. Wait a sec, did I say tall? Wow, understatement much? I mean looming—no, that sound too ominous. He was, well, built like a fucking fort. He had to be six-foot-four or more. The man was all muscle—but not the Hi I'm on steroids type of muscly. You knew just by looking at him that he was build it was sort of distracting.

He had dark hair cut in a messy, contemporary style. He was dressed in dark jeans, a white button down shirt unbuttoned at the neck, and a black sports coat. He also had on the cutest emerald green teardrop-shaped cufflinks.

He moved his wrists to look at his cufflinks, almost like he wasn't sure which set he was wearing, then flashed me a blindingly white smile. The teeth against his deep tan were startlingly bright, but not abnormal. His eyes were dark, so dark they almost looked black in this lighting, and they shined with interest, intelligence, wit, and something else. He was storybook handsome. Just as I was contemplating what else I saw in his eyes, he spoke.

"Thank you. They're a family heirloom. I'm Minos King and I don't think I've had the pleasure."

Crap. Of course the first person I decide to spend my conversation time with also happens to be the parties' host, who also happens to be single, dateable, male, and attractive. He grabbed my hand the wrong way for shaking and the right way for kissing and pulled it up to his lips, never once breaking eye contact with me—and all I could think was 'creepy'.

"Alisia" I sort of half gulped, half huffed. "My—my name is Alisia."

He finished his 'too-long-not-to-be-sort-of-creepy' kiss on my hand and said, "Alisia, it's lovely to meet you. How do I know you?" He didn't let go of my hand. His voice was unique to say the least; it was like whiskey flowing over ice cubes—Hermes sounded better.

I smile and tilt my head slightly while looking up at him, "You don't—but your friend Hermes does. He sends his regards, since he couldn't make it—he has some business to attend to."

Minos laughed a deep laugh that for some reason sent unpleasant shivers down my spine. "Oh, Hermes had to work. Let me guess, money problems forcing him to work an eight to five?" I felt a little put out for Hermes sake the way the said it came out a bit rude, but him asking seemed sincere enough.

"No not today really. Hermes and his wife had a bit of family business to attend to from what I understand."

He looked at me with what could have been a slightly shocked expression before his face shifted into amusement. "A bit surprising. Hermes and I were once in business together I thought I knew him better on a personal level, that wife of his must be something. He put all of his proceeds into tech stock which subsequently tanked. So what is he up to now? Invest all of his money in more speculative stocks? "

No but it's not like I'm going to tell you that much; so instead I reply "Well…pretty much."

Minos laughed deeply and fully, he made it very hard not to want to punch him in the throat not everyone had good business sense. A few people turned to look at us. When he laughed, the corners of his eyes wrinkled in an attractive way that said I'm-just-old-enough-to-know-my-way-around-more-than-you-do. Of course, Minos was old enough to know about the original bird who'd got it on with a bee—or however that saying went.

"Wait a minute," I realized, "you're tan. How are you tan?" I took in his flawless skin curiously and wondered a how he could look so alive so human when he was supposed to be dead and less colorful.

"Airbrushed tanning is a wondrous thing, dear Alisia. I keep encouraging other vampires to indulge but as of yet, none have bothered. Do you like it?"

Did I like it. Ha! It was against my better judgement to think that he was fishing for compliments even if he didn't have a decidedly mischievous sparkle in his eyes. I think he was enjoying my discomfort at his decidedly Dumbledore like look as I shifted my weight form foot to foot. As I looked up at him again and lied through my teeth, "I guess you could say that I like it. It looks very natural. You don't look orange or anything at least. Some people come out looking like Oompa-Loompa's after an airbrush tan." Unfortunately you don't look dead either.

Again he laughed one of those full-throated laughs that sounded pleasant to my ears yet still for some reason set me uncomfortably on edge, it made me a little nervous. "I'm really not that funny, am I? I would blame your laughter on the alcohol being served tonight, but I'm not really sure what kind of effect it has on you."

"No, you really are that funny. By now most women would be on a potential sex-and-sugar-daddy mission trying to find out what kind of car I drive, what my disposable income is, what kind of woman I'm interested in, and what my bedroom sets threat count is. You aren't doing any of those things and it's refreshing."

Damn it man, I'm a fangirl not a gold-digger and last time I checked Kanye West and Jamie Fox weren't playing 'Gold Digger' for me in the background while I walk around looking for a man.

"Thank goodness, because I'm only interested in superficial, opportunistic vampire-humping women. Obviously, since this party is full of them." As he said this, he turned toward the room and snorted in disgust.

"Look at them," he continued. "All desperate to latch on to a vampire lover as if it's a status symbol. Vampires are people, not accessories."

I stood there, just a bit shocked at his raging humanity. Oh, that humanity it made him look a bit better in my eyes at that moment despite the creepy vibe he gave me, and despite the borderline rude things he said about my Hermes. Minos seemed startlingly enough to have a decent amount of humanity. I had no idea vampires felt that way and honestly, I felt a little guilty about thinking Minos was a rich jackass.

"You know, Minos, I think I know exactly what you mean about women using vampire lovers as status symbols because that's what men usually do to females. Do you know how many men I talk to in a day who can actually tell you my eye color? Pah, you'd have better luck asking them if they remember one of my tripping escapades."

He stared intensely into my eyes so much so that I was tempted to go back to my earlier assessment about him being undesirably creepy by feeling alone. I gulped a bit I couldn't tell if he was angry or…well, I guess furious. His gaze was heated and more than just a little frightening. "Alisia, any man who doesn't look you in the eye is not worth your time. You are a beautiful, funny, intelligent woman and you deserve to be treated that way. Men who are interested only in your physical allure are missing out on a truly remarkable person."

I was wary, and thought he was one hell of a sweet talker but gave in to the possible sincerity of the complaint. After all, I had been calling him creepy a lot in my thoughts but maybe that was just my cynicism talking. I'm sure my character judgement was a decently honed skill by now. "Thank you, Minos that really means a lot." I paused, thinking I should probably end this conversation on a high note before I stuck my foot somewhere it didn't belong. "I feel like I'm taking up too much of your time though. I should leave you so you can circulate. It wouldn't do for the guests to think badly of their host now would it?"

"I do suppose you're right although I wish I didn't have to. I despise these parties and I loathe circulating." He glanced around the room with a look of annoyance.

"If you dislike parties so much then why have them?"

"Do you know much about the Vampire Handbook?" His voice lowered slightly and his head bent closer to mine.

"In passing maybe, but really a handbook? You guys really need a handbook? No, what is up with the handbook?"

Minos snorts at my words. "It's more of a code of conduct. Because vampires live for so long there are certain rules that we've developed for ourselves."

"Dude, if your rules involve required party throwing then I'd have to say that's pretty cool. Now, if you were to also tell me that you guys are required to have secret meeting in the lost city of Atlantis then I'd say that's the coolest rule book ever."

"Ah, Alisia, if only it were so simple. The handbook dictates our hierarchical structure. It's treated by your government as the guide of a fraternal group, but in reality it's a vampire government."

"Oh," I interrupted him. "Your government anything like the one on True Blood? And the federal, human government doesn't mind?"

"No, where did you get that thought from?" he said sighing "Honestly, someone should really take that show off the air it causing problems." I snort at his comment and convey to him with my eyes to continue on with his explanation.

"Okay so the federal government doesn't mind. Vampires are magical creature and cannot be entirely controlled within the constraints of human law. Our government acts as a supporting government to your own but with special rules that allow us to enforce laws and punish vampires on a level they will better respect."

"I'm not sure I fully understand that explanation. Why can't the human government and legal system punish vampires enough to make them obey?"

"Between our strength, which is greater than a human's but greatly exaggerated by modern literature, and our blood-sucking capabilities, it's very difficult for human law enforcement officers and courts to contain and enforce our kind. Instead, we have a system of vampire governors and law enforcers who keep the vampire population under control."

"Okay, so I get that your spooky vampire government hands out ominous punishments and all, but what does that have to do with throwing parties against your will?" I ask puzzled and then it dawns of me. Minos is obviously some sort of criminal. "Oh, wait, is being forced to throw a party against your will a punishment for something? Is it like when someone threw that shoe at President Bush while he was on stage? The vampire law enforcers just take your worst fear and make you live it as punishment?"

Minos looked at me for a moment and then burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, Alisia, you are simply outrageous. You're an interesting mix of sophisticated or even quirky wit and innocent naïveté. No, I'm not being punished. Law enforcers are chosen by vampire vote. I am a law enforcer and my position is up for re-election in a few weeks. If there's on thing vampire society has in common with human society, it is that parties sway voters."

I felt bad, why did everyone I meet make my naïveté sound annoyingly endearing. "So this is the part of your campaign where you hold babies, shake hands, take pictures with the adoring crowds, and pretend that you aren't a politician, eh?"

"Exactly. I can never wait until it's over, though." He was taking a sip of the pink wine he'd been drinking when we were interrupted by a short human with a buzz cut. He was in his mid-fifties and his stomach reminded me of the pillsbury doughboy. 

"Say, Minos, you got a minute? I've been having some trouble down at the shop, you know? I was wondering if we could discuss the whole VC issue for a minute," said the average sized man with no apology for interrupting my conversation just when it got interesting.

"Dionysius, of course. Excuse me, Alisia—duty calls. It's been a pleasure." He gazed at me intensely once again and grabs my hand. He brought it once again to his lips and I shivered—that's so freaking uncomfortable.

As my dropped back to my side and I turned away from Minos, I couldn't help feeling relieved and a bit vexed all at the same time. While his mere presence seemed to set me on edge our conversation was vaguely interesting. Oh, well…


	4. Chapter 4

**The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)**

Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.

But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.

Note from the author: Review or Comments are welcome; just no bashing because you don't think any character in Percy Jackson is hot.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.

* * *

Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human

 **Chapter 4**

As I moved along into the throng of partygoers, a woman grabbed my elbow and turned me slightly to face her. She was about my height, human, and her face was covered is so much makeup I was having flashbacks to the Ringling Brothers and Barman bailey circus. She squinted her clown eyes and gave me a quick appraisal and then asked, "Are you trying to get in his pants?"

"To whom's pant do you think I am trying to get into?" I've never been certain when I should or shouldn't use whom or who, and since I didn't want to give and inch to this woman I was ready to throw down.

"Don't bullshit me, girlie. Are you trying to get into Minos's pants? Because if you are, you will regret it. You're not his type and he's a notorious playboy. He uses women and then throws them away. He tells them what they want to hear, plays with their hearts, then moves on to the next one in line. "

Miffed and a bit worried, I asked the question that slithered its way up my spine, "Why are you telling me this?"

"Oh, you poor, naïve little girl. I've seen children like you drawn in to his web, a fly to a spider. I only thought it right to warn you before you were too ensnared to escape, but you may do as you wish."

"When you say that, do you mean he's the pedophile waiting for little girls on the side of the street, or that he's done something similar to someone you know." I fidgeted slightly panicking on the inside, my mind running a mile-a-minute with one disturbing vision after another.

She dropped my arm and cupped my face looking at me like I was some little lost child, and I supposed she was right. Then, as if waking herself out of her own daydream, she shook her head patted my shoulder and walked away. Since my party experience definitely seemed to be headed from hell and back in a handbasket I decided to check out.

I made my way to the door when someone tapped me on the shoulder; a chill went up my spine. I turned to see a waiter with a tray of tapas. "Sorry Sir, I'm leaving and I really don't need any tapas to go."

He looked confused and hesitated. "Alisia?"

"Yes?"

"Ah, Mr. King asked me to give this to you." He took a business card out of his pocket and handed it to me. I took it and he remained standing there, so I pulled the card up to my face and read it. The front of the card had Minos's business telephone and email and on the back was a handwritten cell phone number along with a request for me to give the waiter my number.

I glanced away from the waiter and saw Minos facing my direction. He was nodding his head at the vampire standing in front of him but his eyes were reaching out to me from across the room. That was the biggest discouragement ever. With shaky hands I pulled my eyeliner pencil out of my purse and grabbed the waiter's palm and jotted down my number on his hand hoping it would be reduced to black smudge.

I looked up patted him on the shoulder and said in a low sincere voice, "Have a nice night and see that you smear that number into illegible squiggles."

The waiter smirked and saluted me, then sashayed off toward the kitchen holding his empty hand clenched and by his side.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)**

Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.

But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.

* * *

Note from the author: I hope you all enjoy…

Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.

* * *

Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human

 **Chapter 5**

I left the party feeling as if I'd dodged a bullet and a whistle on my lips to illustrate my fineness. My mother hates it when I whistle. She says it's not proper, though why she'd waste her breath on trying to correct years of disregard was anyone's guess. I walked outside and was greeted by the smell of salt water and the wet, oppressive blanket known as high humidity it was murder on my lungs. Since we were downtown, the buzz of cars dueled with the click of cicadas. Above all that I could hear the warm South Carolina breeze rustling though the maple trees. I headed to my car, the heels of my shoes making a rapid clicking noise across the asphalt.

When I reached my car I noticed a tall vampire standing near Minos's building, lighting a cigarette. I glanced over at him, trying to get a peek at his face. He was just the size I usually looked for when ogling my men, to top that he had and oddly graceful sexiness about him. He had shoulder length, dark chocolate brown hair that was layered and brushed his cheekbones in the front. He was wearing all black—black boots, black pants, black shirt, and black trench coat. The outfit would have been out of place on a human but since vamps ran cold I completely understood.

I must've stared at him a little too long because he looked at me and made that half scrunchy face that smokers make where on eye squints and their mouth puckers up and moves over to settle on that side of the face, it was kind of cute. He put his thumb and his forefinger to his lips and pulled out the cigarette.

"See something you like?" he asked as he blew cigarette smoke in my direction. His voice was a sexy soft baritone like you'd expect from an Italian and it sent shivers up my spine. He wasn't really rude when he said it, but I flushed crimson at the look he gave me afterwards.

"Oh, uh, sorry. I…I've just never seen a vampire smoke. You guys don't really breathe, do you?"

He made a sound that was like a laugh but not like a ha-ha-let's-share-a-joke kind of laugh. "You just came from a party with vampires in it and you don't even know if we breathe? Do you pay attention to anything that happens around you, or only what happens to you?"

I was pretty embarrassed and a bit offended by this odd vampire, but I couldn't really argue his point without admitting to my own shortcomings. After all, I did just come from a party full of vampires but wasn't actually sure whether or not they breathed. Then I remembered Minos sighing. "Oh yeah, I guess you guys do breathe."

"Oh yeah," he mocked playfully I flushed again. "And we have hearts and everything."

I looked at him for a minute, trying to come up with an impressive comeback, but all I could make my mouth say was, "Your mean."

I reached into my purse to get my keys out and was so flustered that the little mirror I keep in my bag to check my lipstick fell out and shattered. "Aww crap, I totally blame you for this you know! I've had that mirror for years and within five minutes of meeting you it's in billions of itty bitty pieces."

"Wow, guess you just bought yourself seven years of bad luck there, itty bitty diva." I got a foreboding feeling in my gut, which wasn't good.

I gave him one last pout, glared menacingly, got in my car, and left, realizing that my party experience had finally crashed and burned.


	6. Chapter 6

**The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)**

Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.

But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.

* * *

Note from the author: …I want some cheesecake…So anybody got any ideas about who I should add to the story next?

Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.

* * *

Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human

 **Chapter 6**

I woke up the next morning to the obnoxiousness that is "Who run the world girls" because I had forgotten to turn my cell phone off when I got in the night before. I picked up the phone with a grumbled, "Whaaz iit?"

"Alisia, this Jason. Can you come in today? Chelsea called in sick." It was my boss. Crap.

"Uh, sure, Jason, what time?" I didn't want to go in, no, I really didn't. Especially on Saturday, this, in a bridal shop, is like Resident Evil but with brides coming at you from every direction and no sentient computer to hold them back.

Like the infected, brides have one thing on their mind. "The Perfect Dress," cue dramatic music, they drone on and on with the same mesmerized but insistent tone favored by the living dead in the Resident Evil films. And make no mistake, those monsters will eat your brain if you don't make them look thirty pounds thinner and at least five years younger in a one-of-a-kind but completely affordable miracle dress that doesn't exist. But I could use the money and it would be real hard for me to come up with a believable lie, since I didn't have classes on the weekend.

"Cool. Be there at eight to open up." And then he hung up. Naturally. No thank-you at all.

I pulled my hair up into a high ponytail, put on one of my many iron-free skirt suits and a pair of my more formal flats, and drove to work. Once I got to the shop I fished my key out of my purse and opened the employee entrance. I put my bag away in my locker and headed out to the floor to start deflecting the piranhas.

The day progressed pretty slowly. Before I knew it, I was up to my neck in tulle, lace, garters, and crinoline. By six o'clock, as the sun was starting its descent, I was eagerly awaiting the time that I'd able to rip off my shoes and settle in to a Jurassic Park movie marathon.

Just as dark had overtaken the parking lot I noticed that Fuchsia Pink Nightmare Bride was back and she was back and she pulling fuchsia dress from hell off the rack. When brides come by the first time, it's a bit like window shopping. They're just looking, trying things on, and getting the feel of your stock. When they come in the second time you can be pretty sure that they've made their final decision on a dress.

Normally, it doesn't matter to me whether or not the dress the bride picks looks stunning to me while she's wearing it because, hey—it's her wedding. But in this case, The Fuchsia Pink Nightmare looked ridiculous on the woman and I felt that it was time for me to do my good deed for the day.

"Oh, Ms. Jackson, how wonderful to see you again! I was thinking about calling you because we got an A-line that would look amazing on you. "

"Why would I want to look at another dress? You can see that I'm reaching for this B. Mack Original again. Obviously this is the one that I want."

Now this was tricky business. I certainly couldn't tell her that she looked like a tulle-covered hemorrhoid when wearing that dress, but I still felt I owed her the truth—even if only by way of misdirection. "Oh, I see that, and it is a gorgeous dress, but this ivory dress would really complement your complexion. Don't you want to at least try it on?"

"If I didn't know any better," she looked at me with squinted eyes and twisted her body into a defensive posture over the dress, maybe I could burn it, "I'd think you were trying to talk me out of this dress."

It was at this moment that my boss, Jason, decided to interject. "Alisia, Ms. Jackson, is there a problem here?"

"I'll say there's a problem." Ms. Jackson turned to Jason. "This one," she said, pointing at me, "is trying to stop me from buying this dress." She accentuated every word with a little tug on the dress of her dreams, that ungrateful heifer.

Jason turned to me and said, "Alisia, maybe you should go to the back and take a break."

Shit, now I was in trouble just for trying to do something nice. I turned around and started to huff back to the employee area when I notice a tall column of black to my left. What do you know, it was the odd cigarette squinty guy from outside Minos's party last night.

He grabbed my arm gently as I walked by and whispered, "I need to apologize to you. Is there somewhere we could talk?"

"Sure, but if you're going to apologize please do it in a normal people voice," I whispered back to him. "Come on follow me."

He laughed and let go of my arm as I led him outside. Once we were outside the shop I turned around, rocking back on my heels. For the first time, I noticed that he had brown eyes. Not hazel or chocolate, but more like coffee brown.

He looked me up and down, slowly, eyes' lingering over all the areas a gentleman doesn't linger over. I let that go on for, oh, about three seconds before I decided to redirect. "Um, hi, yeah, sorry to interrupt whatever this is but you said something about an apology?"

His eyes stopped moving catching my gaze he delivered his slightly scripted sounding speech, his slightly gruff voice sending pleasant shivers down my spine. "Alisia, I am utterly regretful that I was so rude as to tease you outside the magnificent gala we both attended last night." Then he lifted my hand to his lips. "I do hope you can forgive my nicotine withdrawal-induced rudeness."

"No offence, but it doesn't sound like you mean it. I mean it, a lot of people have apologized to me over the course of my life…"

"Apologized to you because you're a self-indulgent little pouter or because they actually wronged you?"

"Okay, you know what? Forget you. Thank you for stopping by my job to waste my sort break, and be mean for no reason." I threw my hands up and started to walk off, then I turned around a bit confused. "How do you know where I work? How do you even know my name?"

"Oh, please, don't look at me with those eyes. I'm not a creeper and if I were, it wouldn't be you I'd creep on, itty bitty diva. I talked to Minos when I went back to the party and your name was mentioned." I frowned at that the guy couldn't just forget about my existence.

"Well, maybe it won't be rocket science for you and the creeper to keep away from me. Apology not accepted!" Then I turned on him and as I walked back in, I thought I heard the distinct sound of soft laughter.


End file.
